I’ve found myself thinking about my own mortality. In the past year I’ve been diagnosed with not one but two chronic progressive illnesses. I’m facing a possible third and fourth. All being life threatening. Lupus, Rheumatoid, and possible crohns and or colitis.
With all three I feel like I’m dying a long slow painful death. I think they are as life threatening as cancer they just present and progress differently. Even chemo is used to treat these diseases.
I know that sounds morbid, but I don’t mean for it too.
It’s me facing reality, and thinking the scary thoughts because I need to. I need to process all that’s happening, and there hasn’t been much time to do that. I’m so busy battling the diseases and the Dr.’s. I need time to feel sad, and mad and scared. I need time to grieve what I’ve lost so I can figure out from here what I can gain in a new way. It’s a death of sorts to what my life used to be, how I wanted it go that will never be.
Since I stared looking for answers to what was happening to me four years ago, I’ve been going down hill quickly. Treatments up until now have not been helping if anything they’ve made me sicker.
Obviously I’m still not sure about Enbrel as it takes time. There are no guarantees it will help, and if it does help, it’s known to only help for a time. It’s not a cure.
These thoughts illness have made me think I don’t believe are a bad thing.
I think about what’s important to me. What do I want to accomplish while I’m on this earth. What do I take for granted. What could be missing that I should grab hold of. I think of getting a will together. I wonder if Mr. CrankyPants will be okay if something happens to me. Right now I don’t think he would be.
Mr. CrankyPants is both my biggest pain in the ass and my greatest gift. I tell him I love him often. I always make sure that I tell him when he’s going anywhere so if anything were to happen to either of us, I know that the last thing he heard from me is that I love him.
One thing I know is that my candle business is my heart. I started it when I knew I was quite sick, but didn’t have answers yet. Starting my own business was always a dream of mine. I’ve had a couple business’ in the past but they weren’t what I wanted to do. When you’re sick and the disease is taking things from you fast, you don’t have time to just dream, you have to go after those dreams or never see them come true. I did go after my dream; And that’s one thing that I thank lupus and Rheumatoid for. They gave me the kick in the butt I needed to go after my dream now.
There are always reasons and excuses why one can’t follow their dreams, such as no money, fear, the “what if’s.” I’m too sick… We can choose to let the excuses aka fear stop us, or we can take a chance and go for it. I can’t tell you that as hard as it’s been how happy I am that I went for it.
I would have missed out on so many experiences and lessons had I not done that. I love my candle business. I hope one day when I’m gone it will still be here. Sparking Hope. That’s the name of my business. Sparking Hope Candles.
If I had “failed” at least I tried. I don’t think trying is failing. Failing is simply part of trying and it provides you with lessons you’ll need to try again. You can choose to give up, or you can choose to try again. It’s only failure if you don’t try, or if you give up.
I never imagined three years later I’d still be running my business. I’m in a bunch of stores and I couldn’t be more grateful for that.
This post went in somewhat of a different direction than I had planed but not a bad one.
Sick or not, never let fear rob you from going after your dreams. Believe you can. Don’t believe you can’t.
What is your dream?
Candle Light & Sparking Hope,