I’m Really Scared

I’m really scared that I have crohns. Things are progressing fast. I have a fissure (The last Dr. I saw about it thinks that’s what it is.) that won’t heal. I’ve had it for 6 months. The pain is so mind numbingly bad even with Perocette I’ve not been very functional. Except I have to be. As soon as I don’t have to be, I’m flat out.

Now my stomach seems to hurt more often then not. I’m afraid to eat as it hurts more after I eat. (I’m eating anyways). I can’t eat anything spicy or much of anything with flavour or taste. I’m running to the washroom too much even with bland food. That’s not helping with the fissure.

I thought the meds were causing this but I’ve been off them long enough now that I should be improving. I’m not. I’m just getting worse.

Now I wonder did the meds cause this? Did it start before the meds, and the meds exasperated it? I feel like things with the disease are progressing so fast that I don’t have time to deal with any of it emotionally. I haven’t had time to wrap my mind around any of it let alone this now happening. This being just about my worst nightmare. I watched my father, aunt and a friend suffer horribly from it. I watched my grandma suffer horribly from Rheumatoid. I can’t get those images out of my mind. I don’t want this to be my fate. It seems though that my fate has other ideas.

Hubby wanted to take me out for dinner tonight and he asked me earlier in the day since I need warning. I cried my eyes out because I was feeling so awful but wanted to go, and didn’t want him to feel bad. It seems every time we want to do something I feel to sick. This disease is robbing my life and my Hubby’s. He’s amazing about it. He’s very supportive. I just feel guilty and like a burden. This is not how I saw my life going and I’m not okay with it.

I did pull it together and we went out for dinner. That was a bit of an ordeal because there’s so much that I can’t eat, but we did it, and we hung out in town for a bit after. I could stay at home and be in pain or go out for dinner and be in pain. I opted not to let the disease keep me at home this night.

Aside from my Hubby, I have zero family support and really zero support of any other kind other than a home care cleaning lady.

I haven’t had time to grieve or make peace with it, that is if there is such a thing. I don’t know how much more I can bare.

I’m sick and tired. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

And that’s the raw truth. That’s lupus, crohns, rheumatoid and every autoimmune disease. They steal everything and you never know when they’re going to strike with the next thing. The next thing is usually what you would least expect. There is no figuring this out. It has too many disguises.

Can you relate?

Sparkles & Stars,






9 thoughts on “I’m Really Scared

  1. I’m so sorry you are going through this. A pain in the ass, literally. My husband has had these abscess’. He’s had to have them surgically reduced twice. They keep coming back. He hasn’t tested positive for Chrone’s Disease so they keep saying IBS. He doesn’t have autoimmune. Do you take any pain killers with asprin in them? That seems to really do him in, but he still takes excedrine daily. He’s so hard headed. If simply quitting taking an OTC would fix me I would jump for joy!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. Oh man I feel sorry for you Hubby too. Why is it men are always so hard headed?! My Hubby is stubborn with his health too. lol
      I don’t take pain killers with asprin. I have Perocette with acetaminophen in them. I’m only allowed one Advil a day because my kidneys are at risk. They are okay but we are trying to keep them that way.
      I’m with you. If OTC would fix me I’d be all over it too.
      Do they give your Hubby antibiotics to help at all. I haven’t had any as of yet but I may ask about them.
      I have no idea when my colonoscopy will be. I haven’t heard anything.
      How are things with you today?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Same as always. Unfortunately not having any added gripes other than the usual pain we deal with makes it a good day. 😕

        They gave him antibiotics when he had them. Two diff kind to take at one time.

        I’m wondering if you may try oil of oregano. I honestly hate it when people try to tell me that a diet change, coconut, and apple cider vinegar will cure me because I’ve tried and it didn’t. But do some research on Oil of oregano used as an antibiotic and to help people with digestive issues. I swear by it. If I feel a cold or something coming on I run for the oregano.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Oh man if there’s a chance it would help I would try it. It is very good option I hadn’t thought of! Thank you. Much appreciated.
        I hear you there’s always pain even on a better day. I hope it’s tolerable for you today!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Seems like you’ve had it with this disease, and hate always being sick. Never knowing when it’s going to strike next, or what it’s going to do must be scary and confusing. And not being able to enjoy things with your husband must feel frustrating.

    Liked by 1 person

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