I’m Really Scared

I’m really scared that I have crohns. Things are progressing fast. I have a fissure (The last Dr. I saw about it thinks that’s what it is.) that won’t heal. I’ve had it for 6 months. The pain is so mind numbingly bad even with Perocette I’ve not been very functional. Except I have to be. As soon as I don’t have to be, I’m flat out.

Now my stomach seems to hurt more often then not. I’m afraid to eat as it hurts more after I eat. (I’m eating anyways). I can’t eat anything spicy or much of anything with flavour or taste. I’m running to the washroom too much even with bland food. That’s not helping with the fissure.

I thought the meds were causing this but I’ve been off them long enough now that I should be improving. I’m not. I’m just getting worse.

Now I wonder did the meds cause this? Did it start before the meds, and the meds exasperated it? I feel like things with the disease are progressing so fast that I don’t have time to deal with any of it emotionally. I haven’t had time to wrap my mind around any of it let alone this now happening. This being just about my worst nightmare. I watched my father, aunt and a friend suffer horribly from it. I watched my grandma suffer horribly from Rheumatoid. I can’t get those images out of my mind. I don’t want this to be my fate. It seems though that my fate has other ideas.

Hubby wanted to take me out for dinner tonight and he asked me earlier in the day since I need warning. I cried my eyes out because I was feeling so awful but wanted to go, and didn’t want him to feel bad. It seems every time we want to do something I feel to sick. This disease is robbing my life and my Hubby’s. He’s amazing about it. He’s very supportive. I just feel guilty and like a burden. This is not how I saw my life going and I’m not okay with it.

I did pull it together and we went out for dinner. That was a bit of an ordeal because there’s so much that I can’t eat, but we did it, and we hung out in town for a bit after. I could stay at home and be in pain or go out for dinner and be in pain. I opted not to let the disease keep me at home this night.

Aside from my Hubby, I have zero family support and really zero support of any other kind other than a home care cleaning lady.

I haven’t had time to grieve or make peace with it, that is if there is such a thing. I don’t know how much more I can bare.

I’m sick and tired. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

And that’s the raw truth. That’s lupus, crohns, rheumatoid and every autoimmune disease. They steal everything and you never know when they’re going to strike with the next thing. The next thing is usually what you would least expect. There is no figuring this out. It has too many disguises.

Can you relate?

Sparkles & Stars,

CrankyPants

 

 

 

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